


the love he deserves

by yourlocalheartbreaker



Series: sumayyah writes drabbles! [8]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aaron Hotchner Needs a Hug, Angst, Gen, He Does Not Get A Hug But He Is Still Loved, He Just Doesn't Think He Deserves It, Hopeful Ending, Hotch Loves The Team, Hurt Aaron Hotchner, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, No Dialogue, Sad Aaron Hotchner, The BAU Love Hotch, The BAU is a found family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 06:28:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29663160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourlocalheartbreaker/pseuds/yourlocalheartbreaker
Summary: "we accept the love we think we think we deserve."- stephen chbosky, the perks of being a wallflowerhis team means everything to him. they have to. they are good and loyal people, that had grabbed him by the hand without fear and forced him from the ledge so many times without ever realising just how much strength that took. one day- and he always tells himself it will be soon, even though he knows it won't be- he will stop accepting the love they give him.but until that day, he will cling to their goodness. because the team- the only family he'd ever really had- changed the rainbow for him. he has no idea how to tell them, but they did, and he will never stop being grateful for that.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & David Rossi, Aaron Hotchner & Derek Morgan, Aaron Hotchner & Emily Prentiss, Aaron Hotchner & Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Aaron Hotchner & Spencer Reid, Penelope Garcia & Aaron Hotchner, The BAU Team & Aaron Hotchner
Series: sumayyah writes drabbles! [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2142066
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	the love he deserves

**Author's Note:**

> i have no idea what this is, but it's me being angsty again and as always, making hotch hurt so that's fun! if you've seen my tumblr, you may have realised that i'm unwell so please excuse any errors, i've been trying to write something since i published do they even know and it has not been going well
> 
> tw: child abuse, descriptions of blood, negative self esteem

Aaron Hotchner does not care for his own life. He does not care what nettles sting him, or what knives find themselves a home in his back. He does not flinch when he is labelled cold or unfeeling, and he does not shed tears when words like barbed wire a spat in his face.

He is expendable. 

And his life holds no value. Not to his team, who deserve so much more than a man broken by the very job he was supposed to show them had purpose, nor his son, who could probably hardly remember him and who deserved a parent that would not flinch every time they had to hold hands.

Aaron Hotchner's life is worthless to him. How can a life that had destroyed so many others ever mean anything? It was his fault that Elle almost died and it was his fault that Jason left. The blood of Haley Brooks- because no matter what the gravestone said, they had not been married, she did not love him- and of Kate Joyner and of Megan Kane were all on his hands. There were days where he believed it was a miracle that he did not walk around with a permanent red stain on his hands from where they had beaten George Foyet until they almost could not tell it was him.

He is a monster, dressed up in a suit, just like his father was. When he dies, no tears will be shed for him. His body will be lowered into the ground next to Haley, even though he won't deserve to be near her, not even then, and he will not be mourned. Derek will take his place. Jessica will take his son.

They will be fine. He knows this. When his son was sent into Witness Protection because there was a dangerous serial killer just waiting to get his hands on him, he came back completely undamaged. As though nothing had changed. When George Foyet turned him into a ghost that could barely hold a gun without shaking, Derek Morgan took over the team without faltering.

His father had once, and only once, said that Aaron was not his son. He was sixteen years old, angry at the world and desperately searching for a way out of his town that suffocated him more and more with every moment that passed. It was the only time he'd had the courage to fight back against his father, and he had ended up in the hospital. The excuse of falling down the stairs carrying the hoover was given.

But that comment did not make him feel ashamed of himself. It made him happy. Because if he was not his father's son, then he would not become him. He would not be like him, and he could pretend that there was a different future waiting for him.

Only there wasn't. Because he may not have been his father's son, but he was his mirror. And Haley had been so disappointed when Jack's hair had been blonde, his eyes more blue than brown, but Aaron had been relieved. When he died, so would the final piece of his father.

His father had not been a coward. He had carried on fighting through the lung cancer until his heart couldn't take it and he'd keeled over in his office, only found the next day by his secretary because his mother had stopped caring when her husband didn't come home. He had lost a part of him when the diagnosis came through- the part that loved Sean- but he had carried on because he needed to.

Aaron hadn't. He'd gotten reckless and lashed out at all the wrong people.

But then Haley died, and he had.

He'd carried on.

Not because he needed to. If anything, what he did was the opposite of what was needed. Jack needed a father, not a hero, but Hotch clung to the idea that what Jack wanted was a hero, if only so he could justify his return.

He carried on for the team. Because they were his team. 

And Aaron Hotchner cares for his team. He would stop the tide from drowning them, save their eyes from all the horrors he could. He would hold their hands and remind them of their humanity by forcing them to focus as their hearts carried on racing, as their hands turned cold when they looked into the abyss.

To him, the team is indispensable. 

They remind him to smile, force him to eat and they care. They care far too much about one dangerous and cracked man, who is currently walking a tightrope. Fall too far to the right and he will be sucked into the pool of loathing. Too far to the left and he becomes an unsub. Too far forward and he becomes his father. Backwards and he becomes the scared little boy again.

His team means everything to him. They have to. They are good and loyal people, that had grabbed him by the hand without fear and forced him from the ledge so many times without ever realising just how much strength that took. One day- and he always tells himself it will be soon, even though he knows it won't be- he will stop accepting the love they give him.

But until that day, he will cling to their goodness. Because the team- the only family he'd ever really had- changed the rainbow for him. He has no idea how to tell them, but they did, and he will never stop being grateful for that.

Emily Prentiss is the other side of his coin, far too stubborn but cursed with a mind that can't help but think of the switch within all of them that causes them to do terrible things. When he thought of red, he always remembered the blood on Elle's wall that never truly washed away. He still remembers that now, but he also remembers how beautiful she looks in her red tank top.

Penelope Garcia is beautiful, and her ability to never stop seeing the good is something he is terrified of destroying. But where orange had always been the colour of the fire he was told so many times he was going to burn in, it had slowly morphed into the colour of her favourite cardigan, that she always wore on the harder days and that smelt like vanilla and caramel.

Jennifer Jareau is everything he doesn't deserve but has somehow been given, because the two of them don't need words to speak and she somehow always knows what his silence means. Yellow had always been his mother's hair, held in place by clips she detested but wore so nobody suspected anything was wrong. It is now the golden pendant around her neck that shows just how much she trusts him.

Derek Morgan is what keeps him from going too far and getting lost in the forest of his head with no light to guide him out again. When they had met, green had been the colour of his mothers eyes, just as cold and unfeeling in death as they had been in life. Green was now the colour of Morgan's shirt, the one he had let Aaron borrow when Jack was sick on his and there were unavoidable meetings.

David Rossi is everything to Aaron: his mentor, the only father to show him love, the only person he trusts to put him back together on those rare occasions where he let himself fall apart. Blue was the colour of the walls in his childhood home's basement, the one place he knew he could and would never be safe. But it was also the colour of the jumper he was given for his birthday, back when he was drowning as Unit Chief because Gideon had left. That jumper always made him feel safe and untouchable. 

Spencer Reid is a genius, forced to grow up far too quickly in a world that gave him nothing but took everything. Hotch had always associated purple with the bruises on his stomach and back, but now he associates it with Spencer's scarf, that smells like old books and whiteboard pens. 

What Aaron doesn't know is that he has also helped save the team. They remember every time he put his career on the line for them, and they appreciate it more than words could ever say.

Emily knows she is trusted. Penelope knows how hard he fights for her. JJ knows he is doing his best to be a good father. Derek understands his fear, and reminds him it won't happen. David holds the same pride in his chest for Aaron that everyone who loves a child does. Spencer finally understands what a parent is meant to do.

Although Aaron Hotchner does not care for his life, his team does. They know he doesn't think they do, but the love they have for is pure and innocent. It is real and true, and they will die before someone takes it from them.

One day, they will convince him that the love they show him is no less than what he deserves. One day. It's all they want. And to want is a beautiful thing to do because it gives them hope that a better future lays ahead for all of them. But all they wish for from the future is that Aaron Hotchner accepts their love, not because he is afraid of it leaving, but because he knows that it is what he deserves.

**Author's Note:**

> :)
> 
> follow my tumblr @ yourlocalheartbreaker (sometimes i actually post good things


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